I can count the last few days as the beginning of my work towards becoming a physician. My decision to become a doctor was solidified over the Christmas break. It’s something that’s always been in my thoughts to a varying extent—ranging from, “I’m pretty sure I would have made a good doctor,” to “Maybe I can still sign up for classes.” Though, there was a moment when it clicked. My mom and I were on the phone talking about some difficulty with my unemployment or living situation, and she asked why I didn’t think about going to med school. I knew while I was formulating a response that it was that moment would be a catalyst for a lot of change in my life. Since then the whole idea has taken on a stronger constitution. It’s the sort of endeavor I can really be proud of. It will involve an extremely difficult body of work; I will have to dig deep into a field that hasn’t been my expertise since 8th grade. I have to admit my ambition is satisfied for having a lofty goal again. I could go on, but one thing that does strike me as notable is the hint of recklessness in the choice. I feel like an adventurer who has suddenly got it in his mind to climb K2 or sail across the Pacific. Law school would have been a difficult stretch, but I wouldn’t have been nearly as vulnerable as I will be in the coming years. Very soon I could be in over my head and struggling to make it through, and that’s when I’ll know I’m in the right place.

I’m working in the same office and doing pretty much the same work I’ve done since I was in middle schools—pulling charts and making minor notes in files. But now everything is just a whole lot more interesting. For the first time I’m taking ownership of this body of knowledge, and every little thing I can catch will help me. I’m excited to find out how things work and what things mean. I’m trying to think how long this sense of wonder will last, if it at some point will I be pouring though an anatomy or pharmacology book and just not care, but I’d rather just be content with the way it feels be to so new to something. I do hope it lingers.

Having a goal makes such a vast difference in the way I engage my surroundings. I imagine I would be miserable if I was in this same spot without my present aspirations. I would just be typing in a room that doesn’t belong to me, overhearing a conversation through walls that are too thin, in a town where I don’t belong. But Instead I can think—here I am, doing what it takes to become who I want to be.