I was just reading over my post from March 16th. I was feeling ill after working with dusty files. It's almost two months later, and I'm just now getting over that sickness. I recently starting taking vitamins, which has been helping. Since I've working in the gradbary, I haven't been eating or sleeping well. But in the end, it's been worth it just to finally get some work out of myself. I'm sitting in the Escondido library. I came last night after my commencement ceremony so I could spend more time with Katyana. That's the other thing that has taken a shot while I've been working. I haven't been able to stay in touch as much as I should; there's only a few places where my mind doesn't churn lately. It's sort of a weird sensation, even when I set time apart to talk, I can't wrap my attention around her like I should. But that's just one of the costs of putting myself in that kind of bind-- having to do that much work in a short amount of time. I'm on the way out of it though, just a little bit more to go.

There's a man sitting nearby with a hacking cough. I really hope I wasn't like that the last few weeks in the library. I feel pretty bad for my classmates if I was, cause this guy really shouldn't be in public. His cough is so bad, it's hard to think.

Now that I'm detaching myself with Loyola Marymount, hopefully I'll be able to find work and a place to stay in San Diego. It would be good for Katyana and me. It's hard to believe we've been together for almost 4 1/2 years now. My parents were only married for 7 years. A lot of our time has been spent at a distance, and I think we've paid our dues in that respect.

My friends and I have been talking a lot about marriage lately. It's the kind of thing that's often on the mind of 24+ years olds. While we have different perspectives on where we are in relation to that kind of commitment, I'm glad that we have a similar attitude towards it. It's an issue I think the four of us actually show maturity. When I listen to them I see a form of humility, we recognize how limited we are, and we see how important marriage and family is to the soul's fulfillment.

Lately, we have also been talking about life issues. Everything from abortion to torture. It's been pretty taxing. I know my account for my positions have become stronger and more solidified, but it's hard to remain in thought about these things for extended periods of time. It starts to permeate my consciousness, and it gets to the point that every time I flip through news articles I find some new kind of destruction. I've been charged with not being able to consider the depth of the issue of abortion, because I'm not considering these things on a more emotional level. That was a slap in the face. To be told that, after letting these things weigh on me probably more than I should, was a tough criticism to take. I had a similar experience when talking about marriage. It seems like one side of the debate has a misplaced authority/dominance on the feeling aspect. I constantly hear how my capacity to feel or empathize is limited, and so I can't judge rightly about these situations. It's difficult for two reasons (1) though I recognize that we have to take these sorts of experiences into account when considering the issue, I don't think it's true that my (or the general)capacity to feel inhibits me (2) it seems that those who level the charge of insensitivity against me are just as guilty of the same error. I realize that it's difficult for me to empathize with a raped woman. However, I try. I try as much as I can. Yet, it is so easy to say that this 'try' is just inadequate, especially because I am a man. But it's another thing altogether to return that 'try' with its reciprocate. And that being the case, it's an ugly thing for my voice to be ignored by someone who doesn't try for the unborn. They can hide behind the fact that the unborn doesn't look like us. But if it's just a clump of cells, than what am I? 1.5 million in the United States every year, 42 million worldwide. That dwarfs any holocaust or genocide.

Mary, pray for us sinners.